January 11th, 2013, at 8 am, Michelle Beaver Zaehring was 17 weeks pregnant and we were both excited to soon be sharing our expectant plans for next June on Facebook. By 11 am, we were weeping in an Ultrasound room on Capitol Hill, as our future dreams and our family of four became a grieving family of three.
These photos are the only glimpse of the precious hands and feet of our son we'll get to see this side of Heaven. Our unborn son, whom we'll never get to hold, will never be forgotten.
That day in a darkened room, when that nice doctor man told us our baby was no longer alive, we felt such an aching loss and were overwhelmed with a moment of panic. How can we make it through this? The grief, sadness, and shattered dreams hit us like chaotic waves, yanking us this way and that while time seemed to stand still. And yet, in the midst of it, almost covered by the darkness was a quiet voice of total confidence whispering. Jesus is in the boat with us. We live, and love, because He first loved us by dying for us. He brings peace to our stormy hearts.
Matthew 8:23-27 was so encouraging to us during that first week:
"And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. 24 And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. 25 And they went and woke him, saying, Save us, Lord; we are perishing. 26 And he said to them, Why are you afraid, O you of little faith? Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. 27 And the men marveled, saying, What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?"
We are healing now, one month later, and wanted to share the joy of the brief life of our son with all of you, as well as share our love for Jesus for loving us enough to "ride in our boat."
We’ve been reflecting on Psalm 42 and learning a song called “Satisfied in You” as we wrestle with this loss. Please take 5 minutes and listen to it while you think of us.
The words of this song say our feelings best: “Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness, Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest, Let my losses show me all I truly have is you.” We are learning to trust and worship Jesus in this, even if those two ideas just got a lot harder and a lot more real, from our perspective.
We ask that you hug and cherish your little ones who made it into this world safely a little extra tonight. We certainly will.
More thankful than ever for God’s unfailing love,
Michelle, Jamie, and Judah Zaehring
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